Leaves of November
by chocolatechiplague
Summary: Life isn't perfect, things build up, things become hard and some people simply crack and fall at the pressure. Edd was one of those people. The personal struggle with depression, the attempt of suicide, the inner workings of just one person's thoughts and feelings when attempting to end it all. Along with the after effect of it all. TRIGGER WARNING. KevEdd hinted at the end.


Leaves Of November  
Written by Chocolatechiplague  
Based on personal experience

**WARNING**: Trigger, suicide attempt, mentions of suicide, overdose attempt, hospital, cuttingg, depression.

* * *

The pressure had been building up slowly over time. Every little thing seemed to just make it worse. School with peers, teachers pushing and prodding, expectations of the school where everyone had a formed opinion already of what and who they saw you as. There was no escaping it. Home with parents that were never around, where everything was left onto the one child's shoulders where all that was wanted was a word of actual thanks, a moment of conversation longer then one night a month at best usually just because he had gotten sick and they cared just enough to come home that night to gently rub your back for five minutes, to say soothing things, yet be gone in the morning, returning to the sticky notes that haunted every dream and nightmare.

Even a social life was a horror to deal with when ones only friends were two people so different from himself. Ed had dropped out of school, gone ahead to working and was doing well with paying bills with his family and caring for his sister. Eddy was slowly drifting apart of his own accord, making a space that felt like it couldn't be sewn back together, brought back with a simple 'I miss you' just like it wouldn't with his parents. The solitude with the two boys was breaking, showing the cracks were in him that were ripped further and further by every thing, ever realization such as finally coming to the startling realization that the reason the opposite gender never appealed to him wasn't because he was simple in 'that phase all boys go through', it wasn't why he found boys in their classes attractive and wondered if their lips were as soft as they seemed, how they would feel against his chap stick covered pair and why the thought of lip stick infused lips that were far more full then any boys just made him uncomfortable. The startling realization that his parents wouldn't get grandchildren from their only child, that he wanted nothing to do with the other sex, he wanted to feel safe and held in the arms of someone bigger then he was, someone that could make him feel happy. The realization that he was gay.

It didn't matter as much as he thought it would that his friends accepted him, that the school figured it out as did his parents. It didn't matter to Edd, as it was still a vice he was fighting against accepting. That something was wrong with him, that he couldn't even be normal when it came to his sexuality, he just couldn't be normal. The weight of it was pushing further, sinking him into a further depression.

For years he had figured out he had clinical, genetic depression much like his father had and mother who both were able to handle it well. His was just at a different level, and he didn't know what could make him happy, he didn't feel safe or comfortable not even with himself, staring at the walls and ceiling of his bedroom trying to figure a place for himself in the world. It was like fitting a circle into a picture frame of the world where everyone else was square and could simply go about life and Edd was far too scared and couldn't bring himself from the growing self hate to look for an entrance to the happy world that would fit, to even make his own. It was just …

Just too much effort to even try.

All it took was the small fight, the argument with an online friend, one of the few he managed to make on his own, in a world he felt somewhat comfortable for him to be pushed. It was the words they knew to say, the buttons they managed to jam into the control board and break his internal circuits to all reasonable thought. It was the fact the medicine cabinet was easy to get too and no one would be home or would even care in his mind to stop him. He had read the online 'call for help' thing, to call a friend and had attempted it. He called Eddy, he called Ed, the only people he trusted and ended up both times breaking into sobs and tears before managing to strengthn his voice to say the final goodbye and how much he loved and cared for the two over the years. It was the good bye to one of the few friends online that had his number and address as being pen pals prior that called him five times in a row, even as he placed each bottle of pills along the side table next to his bed. In each voice message, there was sobbing, crying, the screaming for him to not do it. It was ignored.

Most of the bottles were known to Edd for one reason or another; aspirin, his mothers extra strength ibuprofen at 400mg's each, Nyquil, Dayquil, prescription sleeping medication for nights he couldn't sleep due to insomnia, left over medication from when he was sick or mother or father or even Ed or Eddy and they were over and forgot it. So many things, so many pills in bright colors with small bits of writing along the sides. None of it mattered as the Sprite was cracked open, the carbonation making it easier to swallow and his mothers words from childhood that the caffeine would help the medication slip into his system faster. Be it true or not, Edd didn't care.

It was easier then he expected it to be, to swallow the pills in large mouthfuls. One by one when they were needed, it was hard to swallow at times yet the large amounts went down easily, like it was his bodies way of encouraging to take more. So he did. The number of the pills were lost to Edd, the irony of such wasn't lost on him with his math abilities and grades. Edd, to lose count of something? There was always a first for things he supposed as he leaned back on the pillows, eyes closing, simply waiting for something, anything to happen.

He wasn't expecting the harsh knock at the front door at three am in the morning, for the sounds of static coming from police walky talkies to come through the other side of the door when he went to answer it. For the dressed man, woman and medic to step into the house and moved to gently place him at the couch and question. Edd didn't even bother to lie, mentioning everything, not bothering even when the tears started to slip from the corners of his eyes. He was confused as to why this was happening, how this was happening, why couldn't he simply just be left to his own life or what he wanted to end of it? Why couldn't he make his own choices of if he should live or die? Why did these people not understand that it wasn't what was best for him, the world or anything as he was lead to the ambulance, the medic quickly mixing an odd, hard plastic bottle together before telling him to drink the charcoal inside of it, slightly flavored with cherry to make the horrible taste even more bearable if possible.

It tasted of bad cough syrup, and not the good kind either.

Every slow sip, ever faux attempt to drink the mixture was watched carefully as the ambulance made it to the hospital, the news went through that the police had contacted his parents, that they would be returning from their out of state trip on the next flight which wouldn't be for a few hours. The thought made him bitter for a moment, even as they pulled into the hospital and he was lead in his pajamas to the ICU of the hospital, nurses moving quickly along with doctors to take his vitals, to question, police returning to tell him he had rights and that he would be on constant watch until moved into isolation unit for suicide watch further. The thought was amusing almost when it was mentioned the floor Isolation was on. The one commonly referred to for the crazies, for those insane and unable to help it. Was Edd insane for attempting to his his life? For failing to do so? Perhaps. Though perhaps it was the ideas of how he could attempt such a thing again while in the hospital that proved him to be insane.

Hours passed and after some time, Edd was taken by wheelchair to the correct floor, watching as scans and codes were put in for moved into the isolation unit. It was both smaller yet bigger then Edd expected it to be, despite it being six am by then, lacking sleep of any kind. Once more, vitals were taken, he was moved to a small, monitored room where a nurse that was far more pleasant handed him scrubs and soft socks and slippers to slip into while there instead of his clothing and asked for his phone and personal items of such for them to carefully and safely put away.

They took his hat.

There was a schedule, something that made Edd frown before shaking his head. Due to the time he came in and the lack of sleep, he was allowed to get some rest in the simple, safe twin bed provided. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, perhaps it was the fact that everything smelled clean and of soft scented supplies instead of the harsh ones the rest of the hospital used that lured him to a fit filled nap. Perhaps though it was the feeling that there was a chance he could get help, that maybe there was some hope, that he felt even a bit safe and that this was a needed step in his life.

An hour into the nap, Edd woke by the violent pain along his stomach, moving quickly to the small personal bathroom with only a toilet and open shower without a curtain to empty the contents of his stomach. The medication he swallowed could be tasted in each up heave along with the charcoal that enabled the actions. It was a good twenty minutes before the heaving stopped, stomach empty and the drugs gone other then what it could get into his system before. How Edd returned to the bed, he wasn't quite sure, but he was grateful with how the room spun.

It was noon when a nurse gently woke him up, saying there was lunch brought for him, that it would be best for him to eat and to take the first thing of his new medication. That surprised him. He had been there only a few hours and already they were drugging him up. Though perhaps that was the wrong way to think of it as he moved from the room, following the soft carpet and white walls in the circular hallway that went around the isolation unit and for the unit to use only. Stepping into the small dining area, the first thing noticed was the tray of careful hospital food placed of simple foods, fruits, and different types of juice. The next thing noticed was there was no plastic knife, no fork even and you had to ask to get a spoon if it was needed. Even straws were watched over. It took but two bites into the bland hospital food for a nurse to slip into the chair next to him and gently hold out a cup that had a single pill in it.

"Prozac at twenty milligrams. We would have woke you for it at breakfast when it should be taken, but you needed some sleep, but at seven am with breakfast we will ask for your name and birth-date and give you this alright? You have two other medications as well. Medical histories show sleeping problems so we started you on Trazodone at fifty mg and then your report of anxiety as hydroxyzine at twenty-five mg to help any time you feel anxiety start to build up just come to one of us alright?" Edd simply nodded, giving a small twitch of his lips before swallowing the small pill and drinking milk to wash it down. The nurse smiled softly as she stood. "When you finish, in the main area we will go over our day to day alright?" Another nod and quiet thank you was all she got.

Edd took his time eating his lunch, as the others in the isolation unit that were there besides him went through quietly and ate, not striking conversation quite yet with the new boy, the one so young, who was barely even eighteen, the minimal age to be in the unit care. The nurses were kind, telling him their name and smiling to him, making sure that everything was understood no matter how much time it took of questions Edd had when he did speak to them. He was quiet, he was unsure how comfortable yet this was. There was a couch, simple coffee table, a ceiling mounted television with simple cable for those to pick what to watch and enjoy it. A small table with chairs off to the side, another table set with a half finished puzzle. It was when Edd was told of one of the two center rooms that made up the circular center that the hallway wrapped around had books that any interest was perked. Even though most were lower academic levels or religious as well as 'dealing with depression' type of books, the mere sight of it was a welcome.

There wasn't much to do other then talk with the others in the isolation unit, all wearing scrubs, there for their own reasons, the two already there had been there much longer then he had by weeks. One man been there for two and a half months. Edd hoped he wouldn't have to stay that long. The board games were nice, the chit chat was decent, and reruns of old shows and cartoons were entertaining but only for so long before Edd grew a bit bored. The boredom was quickly pushed off though at visiting hour, when he got his own visitors.

It wasn't his parents. It was Ed and Eddy.

The moment they had woken and gotten the voice messages, they had joined in Eddy's car, speeding to the hospital and demanding to see their friend. The first thing Ed did was check Edd's arms, looking to the faint scarring, the ones that would never fully heal, that would never disappear from his too pale skin from small cuts that never went further then lightly breaking skin due to the fear of knifes. Then came the questions and the never ending hug from Ed. It took some explaining, it took some work and it took a hydroxyzine for Edd to get through everything before the two knew he was better here and was slowly going to get better for more then just a quick fix. With those words in mind, when the visiting hour came to an end, it was easier for the two to know they would see their best friend tomorrow. The disappointment that his parents didn't come was haunting but they managed to call the hospital and get hold of him, saying that their flight was delayed, that they would call Ed and Eddy themselves so that tomorrow they could come, they could see their baby boy, they could check on him. It warmed a small part of his stomach and heart, one he hadn't felt in awhile. Once the call ended, it came time to talk to the councilor slash therapist that was set to speak with him every day and then meetings often once he was out.

Normal questions, such as age, gender, nicknames, play of work, family, medical history he didn't put down, family depression, so on went on. Edd paused at the question of his sexuality and orientation, fidgeting in his seat. "What does it matter?" The woman shook her head gently. "It doesn't in that it won't change how you are treated or viewed but-" "Then why do you need to know?" "Because with how you are avoiding it, it seems like it is a big part of the reason you tried to kill yourself, Eddward. I don't want to see someone as smart and talented as you go through this again, and even if it's just a small weight, if I can help get it off and talk to you about it, that would make me feel better about when you are released."

Edd's mouth slipped open before closing, quickly pulling his knees to his chest and tightly closing his eyes before murmuring under his breath gently. 'I'm gay.' before clearing his throat and speaking. "It's … not a secret. Everyone knows. It . . it accepted." The woman gently raised an eyebrow, silently asking what was wrong then about his sexuality. " … Everyone already knew. Everyone said they figured it out. It was a big thing for me, for me to realize it, to come to terms and everyone just shrugged it off and it . .. it hurt. It still hurts. Do I mean so little?"

The conversation continued on, taking time for Edd to realize a few things, to see things from another point of view but also the promise made that she would speak to his parents and explain with him in the room so it would be easier, so that someone could explain in terms they would understand. Parents spoke their own language it seemed half the time. It came to a shock when it was revealed that the testing had brought up meth in his blood, the different medications having worked itself into an extremely small amount of the substance in his stomach, making Edd far more grateful for the charcoal that still haunted his taste buds. Once the meeting between them was over, Edd pushed himself to stand, feeling a weight disappear from his shoulders, one that he couldn't help but give a small hint of a smile at the feeling before hearing the violent sounds of someone resisting being put into isolation. Quickly stepping out, mainly in worry of the nurses and partly of curiosity, what Edd wasn't expecting was Kevin of all people. If there was a guess as to the reason of him there, the blood tinting the bandages along perfect cuts along both arms and one along the stomach, would be reason to guess it was the same reason as him.

"Kevin … ?"

The redhead glanced up, eyes widening before finally a nurse got the vitals needed, huffing gently at the simplicity that it took to distract the violent prone young adult. "Double dork? What are you doing up with the crazies?" Edd gave a flicker of a smile at it. "The same thing as you, only my approach was a bit more … medicated." The look in green eyes was a mixture of many things; surprise, horror, anger at the reckless actions of the other, sorrow, regret from years of bullying him, but no pity. It was something he would never show, knowing well that it was not what was needed.

"Double- Edd … I-" Edd held up his hand, a small hint of a smile slipping onto his face. For some reason, having someone he knew, even if just from across the cul-de-sac, someone who bullied him and that knew the emotions he had gone through was more then enough to lift more of the weight from his shoulders, making it possible for him to stand up a bit taller. "Please. Do not continue such train of thought. Though I wouldn't mind having some company while here if you are up to it with me."

"Yeah . .. I'd like that."

Someone who understands is all they ever wanted and needed for years.


End file.
